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Subject:And so it is
Time:09:27 am
My life is very good. I am truly happy. You can read more at my other blog.
http://wildatencios.blogspot.com/

OR you can check out my photo blog which use to be my main blog. 
http://juanita-in-a-fishbowl.blogspot.com/

Also, today is the 8 year anniversary since Tyler passed away. I think of him sometimes but not the way that I use to and not nearly as often. I guess that's what happens when life goes on. You learn to let go. Once you release your grip on the past it slowly floats away and you can breath again. You can live your life without longing for what might have been. You can move forward without feeling guilty for being alive and happy. And to be honest I honestly believe that is what those that we have lost would want for us. Anyway, I'll listen to some Pearl Jam today for Tyler and I wont be sad for one moment. 
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Subject:In my past life
Time:03:53 am


In my past life things were different. Things were so good and yet so, so bad. They were lustful, dramatic, heartbreaking, full of deceit and love beyond compare. I could write a book about my life in that short time frame. I probably did in one way or another.

The first time that I saw Tyler we were in high school. I was the new girl in a black vintage dress, knee high lace up black boots, army backpack, green lunchbox, short black hair and my friend Rachel on my arm. He was dirty blonde hair, bright brown eyes, thrift store sweater wearing, hiking boots and sunflower seeds in his mouth while talking to his friend Matt. Rachel and I were ditching class. The first time that our eyes met, it was magic. Just like in the movies. Time stood still, everything else faded away and we just stood in that moment for what seemed like forever. Then Rachel grabbed my arm and yanked me out the side doors of the school. She took me by the shoulders and said, "What the hell was that?!" I shyly shrugged it off and she grabbed my arm and said, "That's Tyler. He's bad news. Stay away girl." I smiled and we both knew that I would not stay away....

It's odd to look back on my life, my past, and to be able to still see things so clearly. When I look back on my shitty childhood, I don't remember as much. Just the basics pop into mind, dad = cheating, lying, beating, asshole. Mother = teen mom doing the best that she can. Brother and sisters clinging to each other like tomorrow will never come. But somehow with Tyler I remember almost every detail, ever emotion, everything!

I remember the last day that Tyler and I were together. We were well on our way to divorce. He came to a session with my therapist a month before his death. I don't remember what was said other than I love you and I want you to be happy. But I remember sitting outside, behind the office building, sharing a cigarette with Tyler. After the session it was awkward because my therapist was standing there saying goodbye. I wish that he had left us alone so that we could really hug and say goodbye because it would be the last time that Tyler spoke to me or touched me...

A month later I had stayed the night at my mother's house. She was going through her own marital problems and had separated from my step-father. My youngest sister was still living at home. We had a fun girl's night. The next day my mom took me shopping before she took me home. In the car ride back to my place (I lived with my one of my sisters and her boyfriend, now husband) she pulled out a package. In the package were pictures of Tyler and myself. My mother said, "Look how miserable you both look...."

I was stricken with guilt because I felt a strong urge to go to Tyler's house that day. I felt the urge to call him and to see him. But after a month since our last visit I felt weird. I knew that he was dating someone else so I didn't want to intrude upon his life, especially if he was clean. I only wanted him to be happy.

Later that night my sister and our friends were getting ready to go to a movie. I don't remember which movie. But as were getting ready to leave I just felt that we had to stay. I said, "We have to stay just a couple more minutes. I feel weird." Then my friend Sarah called and asked me how I was. When I said, "fine", she asked me how I could be fine when Tyler was dead. Then I lost it.

I remember my sister Tiffany coming in. She was so beautiful and calm. She grabbed the phone from me. She asked, "Who is this?" Then she looked down at me and looked at the wall. The next thing I know we are running to the car, only I can't run, I can't move. My body collapses beneath me and my friends carry me to the car. I cry all the way to Tyler's parent's house.

When I arrive it's so late, nearly midnight. His parents happen to have come home right at the moment that I walked up. His mother held my weak body/soul in their kitchen as she explained that Tyler had overdosed on heroin in their downstairs bathroom earlier in the evening. His parents both wonder how I knew and as the story moves on, I begin to wonder myself. The answer is never truly given.

My parents and Tyler's parents arrive at the same time at the hospital. I will never look at that hospital the same way again! I am a wreck. Everything seems surreal. As we walk in and go to Tyler's floor, I have to wait in the waiting room. I call Tyler's best friend, who lives in Idaho at the time, and tell him the situation. He seems stronger than I am because I want to die! When I am finally let into Tyler's room I see that he is hooked up to machines. Then he opens his eyes and crashes. Nurses come rushing in and we are left in the hallway.... the two women that loved him.

While the hospital staff is working on him I swear that he came to me and Judy. He held us and I remember feeling him say, "MY girls". and then him crunching us tight in a hug. I will NEVER forget that feeling. Then they call us back into his room....

Judy and I stayed by his side all night. I held his hand. I wore my wedding ring. I swore not to take it off until the time came... Judy and I whispered to him over and over again that we loved him. When Judy left to use the restroom, I let my guard down to tell him how much I loved him. In the morning I was convinced by someone to go home and come back.

I went home and changed my clothes. I put eyeliner on even though I knew that my tears would wash it all away.  I sat outside and smoked until someone picked me up and took me back to the hospital.

Then his mother and I sat in silence until the time came..... Judy was So brave. When the nurses pulled him off of life support his father was at the foot of his bed and Judy was right beside me. She pulled the chair up right beside his bed, which I thought was odd. Shouldn't she had been the one to sit next to him and hold his hand one last time? It was a gray day but when he finally died, lights shone through the sky. I felt as though someone had ripped my heart from my chest, but Judy was strong. She held me up. She saved me from collapse....

So today is the 7 year anniversary of Tyler's death. I can't help that I still love him. I can't help that I think and dream of saying, "hi" every day...............

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Current Music:Johnny Cash
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Subject:In case you were wondering
Time:01:18 am
Current Mood:thoughtfulthoughtful



Life is good. Not perfect. Not without ups and downs but still just... life. Happy, happy life. if it were not for the road that I chose to walk down I would not be here right now. And therefore I cannot and would not change any heartbreaking or life altering thing. :)

www.facebook.com/home.php#!/juanita.vs.atencio
juanita-in-a-fishbowl.blogspot.com/
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Subject:5 years
Time:09:10 pm
Today I put roses on Tyler's headstone. There was snow on the ground and the wind almost knocked me over. Because I had decided to drive down to Utah County at the last minute it was almost dark yet still light enough for me to see the stone the bears his name, Tyler Stillwell Gray. I said a few words and cried. I cried all the way to his parents' house. And then when his mother opened the door and pulled me into her arms I cried and Judy cried. Lots of love and understanding there. We talked for about an hour before I left. I love Tyler's family so much. They have become my own. And until the day I die I will visit, know and love them.

I still miss him.
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Time:12:22 pm
 I started school a couple of weeks ago. I am a busy, busy girl now. My life is school, work, homework, repeat. Sometimes I get to see and spend time with my husband. Lately, not as much as I would like. I just have to keep reminding myself that at the end of all this I'll be one step closer to my dream of becoming a photographer/photojournalist. And of course sell some of my paintings too. Right now it's just rough. 

Eric and I are finally starting to plan our reception party. We have a small budget but I am confident that we can work something nice out. I am trying not to over stress myself. It's just a big party to celebrate our marriage. 

Anyway, hope all is well in your lives. :)
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Subject:I love our new HOME!!!
Time:11:52 pm
Current Mood:happyhappy
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Subject:A few wedding pics
Time:11:50 pm
Current Mood:happyhappy
I am so glad that we eloped! I wouldnt have it any other way! I am so happy!




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Current Music:Camera Obscura - My Maudlin Career
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Time:09:53 am
 Soooo, Eric and I are house hunting! It's scary and exciting. We have talked about marriage too. I am not sure when that is going to happen but I know it will. Yay! I am also working on buying a car. I start school in the fall. I am excited for all these things. 

Things are great and I am happy. :)
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Time:11:10 pm
I am not sure why but I have been thinking about jentle so much lately. She pops in my head quit frequently. She was so beautiful and smart and amazing. She made me want to be a better person, a better woman. I suppose I just miss her and I didnt even know her half as well as so many others out there. I guess that is just a testament to how wonderful she truly was. 

.:Sigh:.
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Subject:YES! YES! YES!
Time:10:45 am


YAY!!! I am so excited! What a great trailer. What a great book. I love the Arcade Fire too.

PS I am 27 today!!!
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[icon] The path breaks in two
View:Recent Entries.
View:Archive.
View:Friends.
View:Profile.
View:Website (myspace, duh).
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