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The path breaks in two
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| | Current Music: | Camera Obscura - My Maudlin Career | | Time: | 09:53 am |
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| Soooo, Eric and I are house hunting! It's scary and exciting. We have talked about marriage too. I am not sure when that is going to happen but I know it will. Yay! I am also working on buying a car. I start school in the fall. I am excited for all these things.
Things are great and I am happy. :) | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment   |
| I am not sure why but I have been thinking about ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) jentle so much lately. She pops in my head quit frequently. She was so beautiful and smart and amazing. She made me want to be a better person, a better woman. I suppose I just miss her and I didnt even know her half as well as so many others out there. I guess that is just a testament to how wonderful she truly was.
.:Sigh:. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
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YAY!!! I am so excited! What a great trailer. What a great book. I love the Arcade Fire too.
PS I am 27 today!!! | | comments: 5 comments or Leave a comment |
| Today is my daughter's 5th birthday. I forgot all about it. And the only way that I could remember how old she was turning was that I knew that Tyler's 5th death anniversary was this year. Lets put the cherry on top of this. I forgot Tyler's birthday this year too. Hopefully I wont forget the date of our son's birthday and Tyler's final goodbye this year also.
I feel horrible. I am scum. Who forgets?????
| | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| Today is Tyler's birthday. He would have been 27.
Happy Birthday Tyler! | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | M83 - M83 | | Subject: | Oh God | | Time: | 01:56 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/moonsis/stars/yellow/grumpy_sy.gif) annoyed |
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| Why do things always have to come back down to religion? WHY is it that you can be doing great in every aspect of your life but because you dont go to some church all your success are dismissed? Religion starts wars, tears people apart, forms lines that shouldnt be crossed and turns people into self righteous, annoying, little monsters with fingers that always point away.
I hate that I live in a Mormon state. And because I once believed I am one that has "fallen away" and can be brought back to "the fold". Because I dont believe anymore I am said to not truly be happy with my life and that I am not living to my utmost potential.
I believe in A God. I believe in being a good person. I believe that everyone has the right to believe what they want even if at the end of our days it is wrong or right. I honestly dont care what others believe as long as they are happy and arent trying to bring me down.
QUIT POINTING YOUR FINGERS AT ME! AND QUIT TRYING TO GET ME INTO YOUR CHURCHES! If I want to go Ill go. If I believe Ill believe. Other than that please just shut up about it.
PS I am sorry if this offends you but I have been offended a lot lately concerning religion. Thus the rant. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | I did it! | | Time: | 05:14 pm | | Current Mood: | YAY!!! |
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| After 8 long years I finally got my high school diploma! I am so excited. I am so happy. I am so proud of myself.
I feel so thankful for all the love and support that I have received this past year. This was the year that I finally pushed myself forward. And Eric! He helped me so much. He taught me to believe in myself. And here I am, finally a high school graduate at 26 years old. I can finally start my life! I can get a better job. I can go to school.
I am so happy! | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Time: | 01:05 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/moonsis/stars/yellow/pensive_sy.gif) thoughtful |
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I am thinking of Tyler today and remembering his smile. He had a great smile. Man, I miss him. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | I grew up in a mormon family. I dont know what I believe anymore. One thing I do know that I believe in is EQUALITY in marriage. This is a tough one to talk about with my family. They are always saying its wrong and talking about how it should never be legal for same sex marriage. This is strange to me because even though we were mormon my parents were always pretty liberal in their ways. When they get going on how wrong they think homosexuality and same sex marriage is I could explode. Why does it matter to them how someone else chooses to live their lives? Why does it matter to anyone for that matter? Its fucking stupid! Love is love. Life is life. People are people. The end. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| This asshole hit me on purpose and then sped off.
He had his window down and I told him that I was going around him. He didnt say aything but looked annoyed. Then as I passed him he hit my back tire which knocked me over. Then he just takes off. He was one of those jock douchbag types. I'm okay. My shoulder hurts from trying to protect myself from the fall. I cried a lot today though. I called the cops on his ass and now they are looking for him.
Oh yeah, there was a woman walking across the street that saw it happen and she didnt do shit. She just kept on walking.
What is wrong with people???????!!!!!!!
Anyway, he was driving a sporty black car.
Here is his license plate number:
UTAH
760 PFK
If you see this car call me so I can fuck him up.
Or at least press charges against the mother fucker! | | comments: 5 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Time: | 09:51 am | | Current Mood: | annoyed |
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| Things the world is without:
Common courtesy
Common sense | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Well, I guess no one reads this blog anymore. So whatever.
I went to Lagoon for the first time ever yesterday. I've only been on a roller coaster once in my whole 26 years of life. I went yesterday and it was awful and amazing. I cried and when I got off I was shaking. I dont know why people like feeling that way. The one part that I did enjoy was screaming at the top of my lungs. I have needed to do that for years.
One of Tyler's little brother's got married last weekend. I love how much all of his family loves and accepts me. It's awesome that I can bring my boyfriend to Tyler's house or family functions and feel nothing but love. They are amazing people and I am so glad that I have them in my life. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| 1. name:
2. birthday:
3. place of residence:
4. what makes you happy:
5. what are you listening to now/have listened to last:
6. do you read my lj:
7. if you do, what is particularly good/bad about it:
8. an interesting fact about you:
9. are you in love/have a crush at the moment:
10. favourite place to be:
11. favourite lyric:
12. best time of the year:
13: Post the most recent picture of yourself:
RECOMMEND
1. a film:
2. a book:
3. a band, a song and an album:
PLUS
1. one thing you like about me:
2. two things you like about yourself:
3. put this in your lj so i can tell you what i think of you | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Shaved Women by Crass
"Shaved Women
collaborators
Shaved Women
Are they traitors
Dead bodies all around
Screaming babies
Screaming babies
Screaming babies
Shaved Women
instigators
Shaved Women
disco dancing
Shaved Women
shooting dope
Screaming babies
Screaming babies
Screaming babies
In all your decadence people die
In all your decadence people die"
I love that it makes me think and reminds me to give a shit about something other than myself. I like it when Eric tells me to listen to something and it clicks. I think I'll listen to more Crass. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Well, somewhere along the line television mysteriously took over my life. And Its made me quite depressed. Eric and I came to the realization that its taken us away from US. Its pretty pathetic. I mean every now and then vegging out is okay but not EVERY DAY. Not when there are more important and meaningful things to do.
Obviously there are shows that I love to watch. To name a few there's Sex and the City, LOST, America's Next Top Model, Law and Order: SVU, CSI (only the vegas one), Family Guy, almost anything on Animal Planet and the news. I guess that is a lot but compared to how much tv I actually do watch its not that many. Somehow those AWFUL reality television shows and every other lame show and rerun gets to me. It keeps my eyeballs glued to the screen. I hate it!
Lately in the back of my mind I keep thinking, "why am I watching this? Eric and I could be running or kissing. I could be painting or taking pictures or reading." But I cant seem to peel myself away. So I sit and feel guilty and depressed that all I did was watch tv.
Well, now that is going to change. Eric and I are making up a plan to vastly limit the amount of television that we watch. Because at the end of my life I'd hate to say that I spent most of my time watching tv. Ew. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Yesterday was May 1st. It snowed here off and on. It looked like Christmas to me. Its so strange because last weekend it was 80 degrees outside. Today we should reach a high of 56 degrees. LAME. I want warm weather. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| Most women have been able to make excuses for their miserable lives and loves, myself included. Here are some examples:
*Yes, he cheats but he loves me the most. I'll pretend it never happened again and again and again. It wont happen again. IT cant possibly happen again.
*Sure he is so drugged out that he passes out while driving the car to our ultra sound appointment. He's just tired. We're having a baby, what could possibly be bad about that?!
*I love him, NO MATTER WHAT!
*Of course I can put my life on hold for his. Its not a big deal. He really needs this time to be about and for him. I support him 100%!
*True, he did make me feel totally miserable and hate myself and hate my life and everything else in the world. But he has changed and things are better than ever. WE learned so much from that time!
*I know he said that he never wanted to marry me but he is just stressed. We can work through this. WE have to.
*He wont let me see my family or friends but that is just because he is selfish and wants me all to himself for all time.
*He tried to strangle me. But he was high/drunk. He cried for days afterword and I forgave him. I have never seen him cry like that before. I know he'll never do it again.
*Well, he does portion my food and encourage me to do coke so that I can stay as thin as I am now. But honestly, who doesnt want to be skinny? He would hate me and I would hate myself even more if that happened.
*He's just doing the best that he can as a father/stepfather by beating/screaming/yelling/making them feel THAT bad. He does just really love them.
*I know he treats me like shit but I love him. I'm sure he's the best that I'll ever get.
*He's going to get help. He promised.
Those are just a FEW of the comments I have made or observed in my life. It makes me so sick. WE are loving people. Our self worth and happiness does not belong to anyone but us. I feel like screaming sometimes. I have made my fair share of mistakes in love, and then some. BUT I feel that I have learned so much from those mistakes. I have figured out who I am, what I want, what I deserve and who I really want to be with.
I WILL NEVER SETTLE AGAIN!
Right now I am happy. I am the happiest I have ever been in life, in love and in everything else. I am of course human, therefore I do have my bad days. But what gets me through my bad days is knowing that I am finally living for myself. And even though I have a live-in boyfriend, a cat and two other roommates, I am FINALLY standing on my own two feet.
To be honest Eric helped me more than ANYONE ever has. He has always believed in me. He has always been 100% supportive on my needs and desires for life, as I have been for him. He loves me as I am. He has never raised a hand to me or an axe to my heart. He has encouraged me to be me! I've always been afraid to be me. I've always hidden from it. But from the moment we met, he saw me and he loved ME. He respected me as a person. Even in our wildest of moments, our steamiest of nights and our most bare essentials in every day life... he loved/loves me from the soles of my feet to the top of my never ending soul. That's true love.
I guess I am bringing this up because lately all I've seen in my dearest of friends is heartache, sadness, loneliness, shame and above anything else, fear. We/you are amazing and beautifully wonderful people. We/you deserve more than we/you think we do. And the day we/you realize that is the happiest and most important day in our lives. Until then, I love everyone I know in my life. And I will support them and their decisions all the way. Yes, even if I know it is poison to their soul. The one thing I have learned in my 26 years is that you cant make someone change, you can only love them. Hopefully one day they will come around. If, not they were truly and deeply L-O-V-E-D! | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
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F-E-A-R. Fear of failure. Fear of not being a "real" photographer but just a girl that likes to take pictures. Fear of my paintings fading into the wall and never standing out to anyone...
But then again the fear of slaving away in retail for the rest of my life helps me to at least TRY for what I want. Its better than nothing. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| | I am not sure why but the thought of turning 26 depresses me. It makes me feel old. Hopefully tomorrow I will feel happier about it but for now I am suffering from Peter Pan Syndrome. I never want to grow up. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
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The path breaks in two
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distressed![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/moonsis/stars/yellow/hyper_sy.gif){kind=small}
determined![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/moonsis/stars/yellow/exhausted_sy.gif){kind=small}
exhausted